Codependency and counterdependence in the context of a relationship are both types of codependent behavior because the underlying reasons for both behaviors are the same, these are:
1. Low self-esteem caused by feelings of shame
2. Fear of being alone
On the codependent side, the codependent person is desperately looking for a person who is willing to put up with their shameful self. They will open up to this person because they feel they feel they have a need to ease their conscience about imposing themselves on another person. They will do anything for that person, even demean themselves to keep them because they feel they are worthless and that their partner will eventually figure this out, they will adopt compliance behaviors.
On the counterdependent side, the counterdependent person cannot face their shame and will do whatever is necessary to avoid facing it, which can involve practically any type of addiction, the most common of traditional addictions is alcoholism. Another even more common form of addiction is adrenaline addiction in the form of anger towards people in general and towards your partner in particular. A counter-dependent person is afraid to open up to another person possibly because he has been rejected or betrayed earlier in life, but mainly because if he opens up to another person, he is also opening himself up and facing what he has refused to face. They try to unite their partner with them by threatening their partner and belittling her so that her partner feels helpless and dependent on the counterdependent, adopting control behaviors.
In reality, most codependent relationships have elements of both codependent and counterdependent behavior in both codependents where each switches from one role to the other resulting in the push / pull effect that is often seen in codependent relationships, however , generally each person in the relationship will predominantly assume the codependent or counterdependent role.
As a general rule, codependent people will unconsciously search for counterdependent people and counterdependent people will unconsciously search for codependent people. Sometimes you find two counterdependents in a relationship where they are always fighting or two codependents in a relationship where they both feel aimless.
As a result of people growing up with a masculine stereotype of strong, decisive, and dominant men and a feminine stereotype of caring, loving, and submissive women, men are more likely to fall into the counter-dependent role and women more. It will probably fall into a codependent role, although it should be noted that this is not always the case and there will be some relationships with a counter-dependent woman and a codependent man (the pecked-hen husband stereotype).
The recovery of codependents in the role of codependents implies that they first accept themselves and face their shame. After which the codependent must learn to understand the subconscious codependent habits that are detrimental to their relationships in order to correct these behaviors.
Recovery for the co-dependent in the role of counter-dependent can be much more problematic than for the co-dependent because they must first overcome any physical addictions they may have, at which point their substance addiction will be replaced by drug addiction. adrenaline resulting in irritability from anger. or resentment, which is the normal behavior of a counterdependent in a relationship who is not addicted to substances.
The problem is that anger / irritation / resentment has the effect of making the angry person believe that they are always right. This makes it very difficult for them to be convinced of the degree of negativity in their behavior.
If you read this you think you may be codependent in either the role of codependent or counterdependent, you may want to seek advice or join a group of anonymous codependents. Most importantly, you will have to be patient with both yourself and your partner because you have to remember that it took you many years to become the way you are, so you can expect it will take time to modify your behavior.
Remember that the goal here is to achieve healthy relationships in which all participants can lead full and healthy lives.