As an experienced clinical child psychologist, I believe that the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise an independent and responsible child. While this may seem obvious at first glance, if we look at most parents in action on a day-to-day basis, it becomes obvious that many parents have no idea how to achieve this goal.
Most parents never take a parenting course or even read a book or two on the subject. Ask many parents, “How do you foster independence and responsibility in your child?” and you will likely get a blank stare.
The future of our nation is in the hands of our youth. It is the task of today’s parents to properly raise these children. I contend that being an effective parent and an effective spouse are probably the two most important things an adult can accomplish.
Many parents believe that independence in our children occurs, more or less magically, when the child turns 18 years old. For example, I recently had a case where the father of a 17 year and ten month old girl insisted that she keep a 10:30 pm curfew. This girl, my client, was upset with her father because this early curve interfered with her (and proper) active social life. When I met with my father, he argued that the curfew was in effect.
and would remain so to keep her daughter “safe.” After listening to the father, I noted that her daughter, a high school senior, would soon be attending the University of Arizona, a hundred miles away in Tucson, living in a dorm, where she would have no curfew. . Also, since she would be living in a mixed dorm, she could have a child in her room, if she wishes. I advised the father that for her daughter to learn independence, like any complex skill, she needed the opportunity to practice that behavior, and he was not giving her that opportunity.
Is it any wonder why so many freshmen “freak out” when they leave for college? If the teen has no prior practice in behaving independently, how can we expect him to suddenly sleep well, eat well, exercise well, and make good decisions simply because he moved into a college dorm and now has no supervision?
With regard to the development of responsibility, many parents wrongly assume that their task is to force the child to do the act until it is complete. This process does not generate liability; produces resentment and dependency when being forced to do something. As I’ve said throughout my 40-year career in mental health, “If you have to hold a child accountable, they’re not!”
A mother in my office recently yawned and apologized for being tired because she had stayed up most of the previous night completing her son’s sixth-grade social studies project, which he had left at the last minute. When I asked her why she chose to do the project for him since he decided to procrastinate, she replied, “I couldn’t let it fail!”
This mom thought she was teaching her son responsibility by doing the work for him. Living what she learned, I assume that this preteen is likely to continue to mismanage her time and that this mother is destined to spend many more nights “rescuing” her child.
In my many years in practice, I have had dozens of cases where a college freshman dropped out because he was forced to do his job in high school or was bailed out by his parents. In this process, the adolescent did not learn to manage his freedom when he arrived at the university.
So how do parents foster independence and responsibility in their children?
1) Reinforce independent and responsible behavior in a specific and immediate way.
Parents tend to operate according to the “sleeping dog” philosophy: if the dog is quiet, leave him alone; or, if the child is behaving appropriately, leave him alone. What results from this biased parenting philosophy is that the child essentially receives no parental attention for good behavior, but receives extensive parental attention for negative behavior. So we wonder why our children misbehave. Parents need to reverse this perspective and tune in to when their children exhibit responsible and independent behavior, and attend to it.
Most parents understand that the goal of reinforcement is to reward good behavior. However, many parents are unaware that reinforcement is also designed to educate children about what they can do when they are in a similar situation to get that reinforcement again. Telling a child “good job,” “very well done,” or “I’m proud of you” are compliments, not reinforcements. To qualify as reinforcement, the verbal praise must detail exactly what the appropriate behavior looked like: “Billy, I like the way you brushed and flossed your teeth this morning without reminding me of you. I’m proud of your independent and responsible behavior.” . . Let’s play a board game together.” This way, Billy knows exactly what he can do to strengthen himself.
Reinforcement is only effective when it closely follows the target behavior. If an overweight person ate a reasonable meal tonight and immediately after dinner he weighed himself and found that he had lost two pounds, it would be easy to continue eating that way. Proper feeding was not so difficult because the reinforcement was immediate. Unfortunately, weight loss doesn’t happen quickly, making it quite challenging for most people. If delayed reinforcement blocks most adults, it will certainly be problematic for children. Expecting a child to behave well on Tuesday, for example, for some reward that might occur next Saturday, is likely to be ineffective. The booster should be given immediately.
2) For nearly a hundred years, research has shown that the best way to change an undesirable behavior is to reinforce the alternative desired behavior.
Often when I speak in public, during the question and answer segment, I am asked a question that takes the form of: “My son does such and such, which I don’t like, what should I do about it?” The question carries some kind of punishment.
My response to those kinds of questions is always, “What would you rather the child do?” When I get the answer to that question, I always say, “Then reinforce that.”
For example, if the kids are fighting in the backseat of the car while you’re driving, you could yell at them to shut up, or instead distract them by saying, “Let’s play a game. First one to find five yellow VW bugs.” he wins.” In this way, children learn alternative ways to behave responsibly for parental attention.
3) Ignoring mild to moderate inappropriate behavior, using “extinction”, and allowing “logical/natural consequences” to occur.
Most of the inappropriate behaviors that children exhibit are mild to moderately inappropriate, such as whining, procrastinating, forgetting, whining, etc. Therefore, this type of negative behavior is mainly for the (negative) attention of the parents. Since most inappropriate behavior children display is for attention, clearly the best response to that type of behavior is not to respond. Behavioral psychologists refer to this as “extinction.” When I tell parents in my office to ignore these behaviors in their children, they often look at me like I’m crazy. However, if they go ahead with this concept, parents will be surprised at how powerful doing nothing is.
I’ve been recommending this “experiment” to parents for decades: “The next time your kids start arguing, just get up, leave the room, don’t say anything, go to your room, leave the door open and sit on your bed and wait.” .” When I suggest this to parents, I often hear, “You’ve got to be kidding me! There will be blood on the floor! Someone will be seriously hurt!”
What, in fact, almost always happens, though, is that within 30 seconds the kids are in the parent’s room and they bring the fight to mom or dad: “That’s bad!” “She’s not playing fair!” “He/she started it!” What this experiment clearly demonstrates is that, for the most part, siblings fight not because they want to mutilate each other, but because they have learned that arguing is an excellent attention-grabbing device.
When using extinction, it is imperative that parents are consistent. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring initial inappropriate behavior for a while and then responding to it. It is predictable that when you initially ignore some behavior, it will escalate. Be constant in your extinction. If you respond to the escalated behavior, you will have taught your child to become more obnoxiously persistent. It won’t be long before the child understands the extinction message and stops her inappropriate behavior.
By using extinction, doing nothing, logical consequences are allowed to come into play. For example, siblings who fight and argue should work it out among themselves. The child who chooses not to complete their homework (or project) should be confronted by the teacher (who received an email or phone call from the parent saying the child behaved irresponsibly and the teacher is empowered to apply any appropriate consequences ) . The child who says that he refuses to eat what is served for dinner is simply and calmly told to leave the table. (The child is not asked, again, “How do you know you don’t like it until you’ve tried it?” or, worse yet, given something else to eat.) 90 days; instead, the teen is required to offload the $120.00 by doing chores to pay for the driver’s reeducation class he will have to attend on Saturday.
The basic components of logical consequences are that the child receives no negative attention (and “gets the goat from his parents”) for misbehavior; the child learns through external factors, not the anger of their parents, that bad behavior has its own logical/natural consequences; and finally, without hysteria, the boy is not distracted from her misbehavior and is forced to confront his own guilt.
4) State the task once, clearly and specifically, and allow the child to respond. Depending on the child’s response, follow through with the appropriate consequence: reinforcement, extinction, or (rarely) punishment.
Parents get cheaper. Without exaggeration, I have heard at least a hundred times a parent say: “I have to tell my son at least five times before he does something.” When I hear a parent say that, I often ask, “What do you think you’ve taught your child about your first request?”
The parent must state their request once and allow the child to respond. Once the child has responded, right or wrong, the parent applies the appropriate consequence. One of my favorite responses when one of my children decided to ignore a task was to do that task at the same time that she wanted something or needed to go somewhere. It was a great natural/logical consequence.
The parent must expect the child to make some irresponsible decisions. What kid doesn’t? It is to be expected. It is part of the learning process. Hence that poor choice and move on. Behavior management works when the child behaves in a positive way and receives reinforcement and when the child misbehaves and receives appropriate consequences.
5) It is not the child’s behavior but the parent’s response to the behavior that matters.
Most parents mistakenly believe that they must control their children’s behavior and make them behave. This is impossible and also puts a lot of pressure on the parents. An effective parent is one who consistently provides appropriate consequences for their child’s behavior.
Using these five rules, parents enable their children to become independent and responsible adults.