Just about any woman will tell you that an emotional affair is just as painful (if not more so) than a physical affair. Knowing that her husband trusted, understood, and trusted another woman with her heart instead of her body is just as devastating, and healing from it can be just as difficult. But you should know that emotional issues are actually more common than physical ones. Well over 80% of men surveyed about affairs indicated that they cheated for emotional rather than physical reasons. Still, it can be very difficult to recover from this betrayal. This article will give you tips and advice on how to handle and eventually get over an emotional affair and how to restore confidence after it.

Why men often don’t understand why you’re so upset. They often insist that this is not really cheating: It’s not uncommon for a man to argue that because the physical aspect of the affair wasn’t the primary cause, then technically it’s not really a full-fledged affair. Many men have told me “well, nothing really happened, so why punish me like it happened?” Men really don’t understand how deeply it hurts us to know that he opened up and shared the intimate feelings that he should be sharing with us with another woman.

It often helps to ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. How would he like it if they were suddenly soul mates or best friends with a co-worker who they regularly bared their souls to? The real litmus test for this, as many counselors will tell you, is that if the communication or connection is “no big deal” (as he claims), then he shouldn’t have had a problem sharing this with his spouse. But, if this emotional connection was made on the sly, unbeknownst to you, then there is obviously deliberate deception involved.

Also, any counselor will tell you that when your spouse is receiving emotional support and close attachment that replaces or diminishes what he should or would share with his wife, then there is a serious problem. But, men often don’t know this intuitively, so you’ll often have to calmly explain it to them until they start to sink in.

What men get out of an emotional affair (what’s the payoff): It’s easy enough to understand the rewards of a physical adventure: sex, excitement, restored self-esteem, and vitality. Emotional issues are a bit different, but they often stem from both low self-esteem and physical deception.

Part of the problem often lies in the emotional makeup of men and the support system that is already available to them. It is a fact that there are some things that men do not like to talk about with their wives. Common themes are their jobs, their fears, and their vulnerabilities, simply because men don’t want to show their wives any weakness. It’s embarrassing and makes it feel diminished in your ears.

So, this leaves him with his male friends. Often this option is also not so good. It is perfectly socially acceptable and common for women to ask for and receive emotional support from their girlfriends, but this is not the case for most men. Sure, they’ll talk about sports and common experiences, but they’re not likely to bare their souls to each other or discuss their anxieties.

An emotional affair often occurs when all the circumstances involved seem to align to create the perfect opportunity for vulnerability. An example would be that the husband is struggling with fears at work or problems with her boss. He doesn’t want to discuss this with her wife because he would only worry her about her financial future. But, there is a co-worker who works closely with him, she exactly understands the situation as it is and is very willing to share and spin the situation as she sees it.

In the husband’s mind, he is saving his wife from having to worry about this and is relieved that he finally has a way out. I’m not defending him, but I want you to understand his thought process, flawed as it is. So where does this leave you? Well, to save the marriage, if you want, you’ll have to restore intimacy and trust.

Restore confidence after an emotional affair: First, it is very important that your husband understands that you see this as cheating and whether he agrees with you or not, you will need him to listen and understand what you have to say. (He will also have to do his part by explaining it to her as calmly, rationally and without rancor as possible). But it’s important for him to understand that this is a devastating blow to their marriage that absolutely cannot happen again.

To that end, the two of you will need to communicate and exactly what it was that left the marriage vulnerable. Problems that are honestly identified will need to be worked on and ultimately fixed. It really helps to set up a set time where you both share your experiences and problems. You need to establish a completely open and intimate conversation: what you are looking for is a safe haven from the world where both of you can become heard, understood and reassured. This will take practice and time, but I promise you that countless marriages are actually not only saved (but greatly improved) by this process.

It’s also important to be very honest about what it will take for you to feel confident again. You may need her husband to totally change departments or jobs or do whatever it takes to banish this woman from her life. She may want to access her cell phone or email. She may need you to give her more attention and affection without being asked. Whatever she helps you heal, you can’t be ashamed to ask for it. Because you can’t really fully trust or fully heal if you allow things to go unsaid or unresolved. So be brutally honest about what it will take to get there.