If you settle for LESS than a woman who represents EXACTLY what you want in a woman, you will not be a happy man. Yes, yes… I have a “firm grasp of the obvious”, right? But if it’s SO OBVIOUS, why do SO MANY men end up settling down anyway? That’s a question that came up during a coaching call last night and led to a fascinating discussion. Essentially, it went something like this… To begin with, we don’t give ourselves PERMISSION to aim as high as we can… or should. Others tell us not to be “too picky.” If we haven’t had a “girlfriend” in a while, that chorus gets even louder.

So what do we do?

We start to think that maybe they are right. Maybe we should cut out a woman we’re not REALLY crazy for a break here and there. But let’s say you do just that. If you put her in a room with, say, twenty other women of hers, you’re likely to find three or four of the others more attractive than her. But hey, at least she’s more interesting to you than the other fifteen or sixteen. And maybe she has a bit of an alcohol addiction. Meh. Or maybe she tends to blather sometimes about “all men being the same” etc. etc. Hey, if you’re a good enough guy, you’ll get her out of it… right? Mistaken. You are making excuses when you think like this, or in any other way that I just mentioned. And make excuses = CONFORM.

But what could that woman you’d be settling for all the time say to you? She may be the FIRST IN LINE to tell you that you’re “too picky.” She may accuse you of being “shallow” for not looking past what you find unattractive. But really, she’s just encouraging you to GET IN. And you should never, ever give in to that kind of pressure. In fact, if you avoid dating women you already know she’ll settle for, she won’t even put herself under that kind of pressure to begin with. Yet many people (men AND women, actually) allow themselves to be in relationships with people they never really wanted to be with. Many times, it has to do with pure GUILT.

But here it is: being a martyr doesn’t even serve THE OTHER PERSON very well, when you get to the bottom of it. As such, for the good of ALL involved, GLAME is not a sufficient reason to settle. Think of it this way (and what follows could be a VERY HEAVY point for you…possibly even one that triggers a very real BREAKTHROUGH). How often do we as men honestly set out to meet and attract someone BETTER THAN WE DESERVE? By that I mean saying to ourselves, “Look, I know I don’t deserve a great woman. So I’m going to manipulate one into settling for me.” Face it, going out with the mindset of tricking someone into CONFORMING for you just doesn’t work. OK, maybe some of the guys at PUA can talk about making women look BETTER than you, but I think I’ve NEVER heard any of them talk about attracting someone of HIGHER QUALITY…either short or long term . .

Why not?

Well, for starters, to think such a thing would transcend “inner game” to the point of arrogance. It’s not REASONABLE to expect you to get someone you don’t (yet) deserve to “settle” with you. Heck, most of us have a pretty hard time approaching any woman. Also, and more importantly, even if you could “hit the jackpot” like that… it wouldn’t be fun at all in the end. In fact, it would be HUMILIARING.

You would CONSTANTLY be looking over your shoulder thinking some guy who is “worthier” is going to take it away. What’s more, every time you remind yourself that she probably MUCH RATHER to be with someone else, she’ll feel like she’s been emasculated… 24/7/365. Simply put, if someone “settles” for you, YOU would be just as miserable, if not MORE, than she is. And that’s EXACTLY what goes through A WOMAN’S MIND when YOU SETTLE for someone she doesn’t really long to be in a relationship with… Except for the castration part of course. For her, we’ll just call it “humiliating” and “heartbreaking” and leave it at that, okay? Have you ever considered the concept of “reconciling” from the other party’s perspective before now? We wouldn’t like to be “conformed” but we still tend to think of the idea only from our own perspective…and that’s the ONLY REASON we would even CONSIDER selling short and/or giving in to pressure. to resolve.

The bottom line? When you TRUST, you are not only fooling YOURSELF, you are also fooling THE WOMAN YOU ARE WITH. The even deeper truth is this. (Are you sitting?) YOU CHEAT THE WOMAN YOU REALLY DESERVE. She couldn’t be with the man that SHE would have had a truly satisfying relationship with (ie YOU). And why not? Because you drive in another, less satisfying direction.

Maybe your head wasn’t straight enough to recognize the high level of quality you truly deserved, if only you had made SOME effort to become the “Big Four” man that such a high quality woman craves. Or maybe he PANICED. You had a woman in your life who really liked you, so you decided to hold on to her rather than risk feeling lonely. But in your selfishness, you’re not only robbing YOURSELF of a future relationship with someone you’ll really appreciate, you’re also robbing HER of the chance to meet someone who will appreciate her more. After all, her “100 out of 100” woman may not be the same as someone else’s anyway. And if that’s not the “breaker,” then I don’t know what she is.

So DON’T BE AFRAID to become the best version of the “Big Four” man you can be. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are being too picky. When it comes to being philanthropic and giving to charity, long-term relationships are NOT the place for it. Work at a soup kitchen or volunteer to help the less fortunate in some other way. And team up with the best woman you’ve ever met with you when you do.